Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Preachers Son

There is always a bad boy. I have one, two, probably three of them, at least. But this one is different. It was the summer and somehow my family had been MIA ninety percent of the time. To this day, I still wonder where they were. I remember being home alone for weeks at a time and enjoying not having a curfew. Which I took full advantage of.  Summer time was in session, and I was on my partying streak. I had been left a bottle of Vox Vodka to use and dispose of before the return of the parentals. I am not sure what is worse, Vox Vodka or vodka that comes in a plastic bottle. Or mixing the vodka with vitamin water. To this day, I have not been able to consume either of these items. All due to the fact of what happened that one summa night...
 David was the son of our Priest for our church. There had always been sparks between us, private make out sessions. Late night sneak outs and the occasional hand holding. It would be easy to say, we were the best kept secret in high school.That one special night, David came over to take full advantage of an empty house and me. We started off with drinking, kissing, then ended up skinny dipping in the pool. Already, I had not anticipated the events that had taken place. But nothing had prepared me for what was to come next. 

ME: What do you wanna do?
ME: Really, what do you wanna do?
ME: Do you have a condom?

I went to church every Sunday, swore on everything I would save myself till marriage, and in one night and conversation that lasted no more then 30 seconds I was willing to give everything up. 
We both had pretty much sobered up at this point, being so scared to death about what was to come, that not only was I not turned on, but to scared to say no. So we both went for it.. IF SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME HOW MUCH PAIN SEX WAS, I WOULD STILL BE A VIRGIN. The pain alone should be enough birth control for girls to keep their legs shut. Worst part about this is, is he didn't even go all the way in. So I took this as if we hadn't both lost our virginity's (I was in denial and would tell myself anything to just make myself feel better for giving it up, I kept this lie up to myself all the way past my second love. I don't think he even knows that he wasn't "technically" my first. (Lying to myself is a real gift, I am really convincing)). Instead of focusing on the fact, that he didn't go all the way in, but also how awful it was. I kept thinking to myself "Why do people even enjoy this?" "So much work and for nothing!" ( I hadn't experienced true joy yet, or what most would call an Orgasm).
Like most girls after a life changing moment, I of course had to call my best friend, and her response was "noooo, you were the only one left". (See all of my friends and I had been raised in the same church with the same standards. I just was the only who really followed them. Well until I met them, and had my heart ripped open and stepped on).  I barely remember this conversation. Due to complete and utter shock that I had taken the Preacher's sons Virginity. There was my one way ticket to hell. 

The first first one bites the dust

Growing up as a girl you are constantly drowning in fairytales of Prince Charming, that will one day come and sweep you off your feet and you will live happily ever after. Disney movies and Hollywood like to paint this perfect picture of what a relationship should be. Making your heart race and creating the butterflies. Teaching these young and impressionable girls that if you walk away, he will chase after you. That falling in love can happen in a matter of day. That once you meet The One, you will just know.

With this toxic information, I fell in love at 16. He was a couple years older then me, had this smile and charm that he could turn on and off whenever he wanted. I was completely under his spell. I didn't even feel worthy to have been able to date him. Of course I had the older girls jealous and mad at me for dating this Prince Charming. These said girls, were even so mean that they would tell him not to kiss me or date me. Now of course being much older I see how jealous they were, but at the time I was crushed.

I basically had won the prize. I was dating Brad. The Brad. He had never had a girlfriend, or kissed a girl. He was of the same Faith as I. So of course I had basically planned out our entire future in the matter of an hour. Brad and I got extremely comfortable with each other to fast and to soon. Oddly enough I was able to keep my virginity. We had only dated for a little less then a year, but managed to do everything but sex. Of course he also managed to do these same things with my best friend at the same time. Because of this I turned my sorrows to Skyy. Oh how it warmed my soul and took away all the pain. I could go on and on about how much he hurt me, but honestly, compared to the rest of guys I dated...this was the most boring relationship I had. Other then all the crazy things I did. Whether it was canceling his dates prom hair appointment or helping the spread of rumors that he knocked up his girlfriend. But that is another story for another time. (COMING SOON)

Can you imagine being this perfect girl and never have doing anything too bad and the first chance you get to go to the dark side,you don't come back? My full out rebellion began. I also truly believe that dating Brad shaped the way I treated my future relationships.

I began at this point to drink, dress immodestly and learned how to play the games. The games of dating. 

Friday, May 27, 2011

Who I am, or who I was?

Have you ever looked back on your life and thought, "If I could do it all over again I would"? This thought crosses my mind on a regular basis. As I am constantly reminded of my past mistakes and the mistakes I continue to make. Always reminding myself , what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. I always hope that when my life ends and I meet my fate with God, he will tell me I was his comedy act. That while certain situations developed, he was just up there in Heaven laughing. Whether he was laughing at all the constant reminders thrown in my face of my past boyfriends, or the guys I had one night stands with.

I was raised in a very strict religion where the standards were set high. While my parents did not follow these standards, the children had no other choice. It is hard to judge the people in your life who love you the most and brought you into this world, when your religion is telling you that everything they do is wrong. How do you judge them? How do you not judge them? I learned from a very young age, to not judge and love people as they are. This was very handy when your seven years old and find out that your uncle is Gay. Even though you walked in on him and his friend playing the "tickle game", and already had a clue. I was very smart for such a young age. I knew my parents were hypocrites and were only trying to raise us to be better people then who they turned out to be. 

Being the non judgmental, Jesus Lover, Virgin girl I was, I decided when I was 17 years old to try alcohol at one of those super fun social Desert Parties, that one of my fellow peers would put on. Drown my sorrows with Vodka. This is where I believe my downward spiral began. Or my double life started. 

Boys tend to help guide you towards hard liquor. I believe they are the sole reason people are alcoholics. My heart was ripped out at such a young age. I learned that the more you drank, the less you felt. Also it curbed my appetite. So while losing what I thought was the "love of my life" I also lost some much needed weight. I look back now and remember all the people in my life saying how I would once day laugh at everything that happened.  It is true. But what I do not laugh at is, the crazy bitch I became, and the poor unfortunate people who made it into my wrath. 

*This is my story. About boys, my one night stands,my crazy family and my wonderfully funny ironic life.  Every detail  is 100% true. Although names have been changed to protect them, and to protect me from pure embarrassment. I truly blame it on the alcohol.