Friday, May 27, 2011

Who I am, or who I was?

Have you ever looked back on your life and thought, "If I could do it all over again I would"? This thought crosses my mind on a regular basis. As I am constantly reminded of my past mistakes and the mistakes I continue to make. Always reminding myself , what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. I always hope that when my life ends and I meet my fate with God, he will tell me I was his comedy act. That while certain situations developed, he was just up there in Heaven laughing. Whether he was laughing at all the constant reminders thrown in my face of my past boyfriends, or the guys I had one night stands with.

I was raised in a very strict religion where the standards were set high. While my parents did not follow these standards, the children had no other choice. It is hard to judge the people in your life who love you the most and brought you into this world, when your religion is telling you that everything they do is wrong. How do you judge them? How do you not judge them? I learned from a very young age, to not judge and love people as they are. This was very handy when your seven years old and find out that your uncle is Gay. Even though you walked in on him and his friend playing the "tickle game", and already had a clue. I was very smart for such a young age. I knew my parents were hypocrites and were only trying to raise us to be better people then who they turned out to be. 

Being the non judgmental, Jesus Lover, Virgin girl I was, I decided when I was 17 years old to try alcohol at one of those super fun social Desert Parties, that one of my fellow peers would put on. Drown my sorrows with Vodka. This is where I believe my downward spiral began. Or my double life started. 

Boys tend to help guide you towards hard liquor. I believe they are the sole reason people are alcoholics. My heart was ripped out at such a young age. I learned that the more you drank, the less you felt. Also it curbed my appetite. So while losing what I thought was the "love of my life" I also lost some much needed weight. I look back now and remember all the people in my life saying how I would once day laugh at everything that happened.  It is true. But what I do not laugh at is, the crazy bitch I became, and the poor unfortunate people who made it into my wrath. 

*This is my story. About boys, my one night stands,my crazy family and my wonderfully funny ironic life.  Every detail  is 100% true. Although names have been changed to protect them, and to protect me from pure embarrassment. I truly blame it on the alcohol.

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